Sunday, May 23, 2010

Things to Do Instead of Watching the Last Episode of "Lost"

Yes, it’s true that significant portions of the civilized world will be glued to their televisions tonight to watch the final installment of Lost. The world is all atwitter. The last episode will be an extra 30 minutes long! It will air in the UK at 5 AM Monday, so fans on both sides of the Atlantic can experience it at the same time! Show closing parties full of rabid fans abound!

I have missed the Lost boat.

I suppose it should shame me to admit this, but – truth be told – it doesn’t even cause me the least twinge of social embarrassment.

I’m not a Lost fan. I tried. I really did. A friend loaned me the entire first season and I gave it my best shot. Couldn’t even make it through the first DVD.

In the words of most form rejection letters: It just wasn’t right for me.

I didn’t hate it. I just didn’t love it. Writing was OK. Acting was OK. Weird camera work didn’t bother me. I simply… couldn’t convince myself that watching the show was the best use of my time on the planet at the moment.

(If you’re a Lost-oid, or a Lost-bot, or whatever uberfans wish to be called, please don’t hold my apathy for the show against me. Can we agree to disagree here & remain friends? Please?)

Anyway, a few moments on the Twitter stream was enough for me to realize that while most people are restructuring their lives to clear their calendar for this evening, there is a healthy minority out there who will bravely soldier on with our regularly scheduled programming.

We will be engaging in all manner of non-Lost-watching activities. These include, but are not limited to:

The Useful
  • Washing stuff.  This might mean doing laundry, bathing the dog, bathing the cat, washing & waxing the car, scrubbing the toilet, squeegee-ing the windows, scouring the sink, cleaning the ceiling fans, de-fuzzing the blinds, steam-cleaning the carpet, or washing a potty-mouthed toddler's mouth out with soap.  Anything -- as long as it gets squeaky clean.
  • Organizing stuff.  Face it, it's a safe bet that the garage, junk drawer, dungeon, arsenal, root cellar, tool box, closet, scrapbook materials, Girl Scout badges, bookcases, in-box, and spice rack could all use a bit of straightening up.
  • Catching up on correspondence.  Write letters or e-mail.  Just don't call to chat -- chances are you'll get a Lost fan and they'll strike you from their will.
  • Study.  You know how you've been wanting to learn to play the guitar, speak Swahili, cook authentic French food, crochet, do the foxtrot, or juggle? There's no time like the present to put a new wrinkle in your brain.  Find an online how-to video and get started!
The Indulgent 
  • Take a bath.
  • Color your hair.
  • Do your nails.
  • Practice yoga.
  • Make a pie (and eat it).
  • Read a cheap, trashy, melt-your-earwax-with-sweaty-smut novel.
  • Play a game: video, board, or card... Take your pick.  Bet you can find someone to play with you... On Mars.
  • Go to a playground, slide on the slide, then swing till your head spins and your hips hurt.
  • Brush your pet.
  • Listen to an entire CD, start to finish, that reminds you of high school.
All Else Failing...
  • Tweet fake Lost spoilers.
Never fear, my fearless legion of the un-Lost.  After tonight, this madness will all be over.  This. Too. Shall. End.

How are you planning to spend your time during the final episode? Glued to the TV? Or doing your own thing?

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