Slaying the Dragon of Authorial Intrusion

or, The Devil is in Zac Efron's Details

I recently had the extreme misfortune of seeing a film in which everything that can go wrong with both writing and directing came together in a glorious, ghastly, gooey mess and intended to write a post on the Charlie St. Cloud Drinking Game.

(For those wondering, the Game includes such rules as:

*  Take a drink every time a character calls a friend or family member by name, and

*  Drink every time Charlie repeats himself... Repeats himself.)

But that will have to wait.  For one thing, it promotes rapid inebriation -- something I really don't condone.  For another, while searching for the answer to "How did Burr Steers ever get allowed to direct Zac Efron after the execrable 17 Again?" I ran across an article Andrew Goldman wrote for the September 2010 issue of Details Magazine.

Now, Mr. Goldman is an accomplished writer who has a long and rich publishing history with such powerhouse publications as New York Magazine and ELLE.  Details has featured his articles on Matt Damon and Ashton Kutcher.  In the world of celebrity interviewing, he's a seasoned White Knight who knows what he's doing.

As I read the article, I was reminded anew that even White Knights must beware of dragons.  And when battling the Dragon of Authorial Intrusion even the best of wordslingers can get singed.

The article reads less like an interview for a slick, glossy, well-paying magazine and more like a blog post.  Though he's supposed to be writing about cover-boy Efron, the author refers to himself 4 times in the opening paragraph.  A few column-inches later, he actually uses the term "retard-o" as a pejorative adjective.

In the opening salvo, it's as if the Writing Knight gets enveloped in the steam of some hot air.

The valiant writer re-enters the fray, but it shortly becomes obvious that this dragon will prevail.  How else can one explain this description of Zac contracting poison oak?:

Maybe he also saw, down there on the rocks, the desiccated dreams of all the "real deal" actors who never panned out. All he needed to do was clear one little poison-oak bush directly below. No problem. He leaped. And the second before he hit the freezing water, he felt an ever-so-slight whoosh tickling his back and hands as the bush branches transferred enough of the dread urushiol oil to eventually spread over every part of his body—even his much-squealed-over teen-idol dick.

Score one for the dragon.  With "desiccated dreams" and "much-squealed-over" body parts, the writer's interest in his subject is completely overshadowed by his wink-wink, nudge-nudge interest in himself.

The battle continues, but it ain't pretty.

The writer squanders every opportunity to use his words to showcase his talent at interviewing.  But he never passes up a chance to impose his personal views.  It's as if he begrudges Zac for being his assignment and takes pains to illustrate his beliefs that he would make a far more interesting interview.  (Perhaps he would. That's not the point.)

Nothing shouts "Authorial Intrusion" louder than a writer proffering an opinion about something with which the writer can not have any personal experience.

It's like single people offering marital advice.  Or a childless person waxing eloquent on child-rearing.  Or a dog offering tips on choosing kitty litter.

In any case, the very next paragraph contains this gem:

Whether you're the type who watches "High School Musical" and starts feeling so tingly that you think you've finally gotten your period...

... and it becomes clear that this particular Writing Knight will not slay his dragon at any time in the immediate future.

Yuck.  Just -- yuck.

I'm trying to imagine an incidence when it would be appropriate for a man of a certain age to opine about how an adolescent girl would feel when getting her period.  (Though anyone who thinks the adjective "tingly" applies should be marinated in the aforementioned urushiol oil. But I digress...)  I'm sure an incidence must exist.  I'm equally sure it's not when writing a feature article that ostensibly focuses on a star.

When writing, the devil is in the details.  If you're writing about you, then, by all means, state your opinion often and with great vigor.  If, however, you are not the featured subject, then prepare to engage the Dragon of Authorial Intrusion.  Be willing to fight him for every word.

The battle is yours if the reader falls in love with your subject instead of falling over your prose.

Not everyone can write.  That's why we need the Writing Knights. And it's why we mourn when they fall prey to their own dragons.

After the Edit: Using "Gallbladder" Text

When I was in college, I had a friend who developed gallbladder problems after giving birth to her first child. She had the offending organ removed and then, because one doesn’t lose body parts every day, brought it home with her in a little jar.

It served as a conversation piece for quite some time. “What is that? A mummified kiwi?” We used to ask her what she’d do if she had a hysterectomy. And I don’t want to think about how she’d have handled our family’s bout with brain surgery…

Some writers approach cutting text with the same attitude. They can’t bring themselves to permanently get rid of anything they have created. Often, this results in interesting snippets and oddities cluttering up their desktop because, though the information didn’t belong in one project, it was just too good to erase.

Now that NaNoEdMo is drawing to a close, it is quite possible that there are other writers like me who have a file folder full of “gallbladder text.” If so, here’s a kick in the butt to put it to use.

Some suggestions:

• Develop article ideas that utilize some of your longer items. You may find you simply need to add a few current nuggets of information to create salable article-length pieces.

• Compile short sidebars and blog posts of interesting factoids, trivia, or insights. Sell them to markets you have already developed OR use them to establish ties with new online venues. They can help garner new readers and fans and increase awareness of your Big Project.

• Stretch your craft. Try something new with the cut bits: develop a short story or try some flash fiction. Use the bite-sized edits to improve your hook, structure, or introduction of plot points.

• Use especially wordy, pithy, or convoluted "just bad writing" text to give a distinctive voice to a character. Often, it can be useful to help establish a speech pattern that is quite unlike your own.

Getting paid for (or, at the very least, using) words you have already wrestled onto the page always a good thing. It certainly beats printing them, pickling them, and preserving them in a jar for posterity.

Selling Short

Yours Truly is a guest blogger today on Literary Database. In my post, I sing the praises of Short and Sweet Queries.

The more I work with people who "live" online, the more I am struck by the importance of keeping one's query verbiage to a minimum. No lengthy "why I wrote this" nonsense. No "here's what the reader will learn" milksop. No detailed histories, character bios, or 3-Act beats. Save your writing prowess for the Piece. But don't weigh down your query with bling.

This is counterintuitive to many writers. I include myself in that group. I fight the desire to "sell myself" in my query, but that's not necessary.

A query is not supposed to sell ME. (Little known secret: A query is really not even supposed to sell an article or a book.) A query is simply supposed to bring to editors', agents', and publishers' attention that YOU have written something THEY need. They know what they need. All a query does is tell them where to go to find it.

I have completely revised how I teach writers to structure their queries. Especially when it comes to platform-building articles, I strongly encourage all writers to follow the "less is more" approach to their queries. In essence:

1.) Say how you know what they need.

I saw on "Kitchen Kookery" that you are looking for family-friendly recipes.

This is the Queryland equivalent of networking.

2.) Say what you have.

I would like to submit "Perfect Pancakes" for your consideration. In approximately 600 words, it details the art of creating flawless flapjacks.

This translates to: "This piece is for sale."

3.) Say who you are.

I am a 4-star chef with over 7 years of experience as a mother and a short-order cook.

Translation: "I am qualified."

4.) Say "Good night," Gracie.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Translation: "Good night!"

In all your brevity, however, don't forget to include your contact information.

In the last month, I have sold at least 5 pieces to new markets. None of my acceptance notes were more than 2 sentences long (with the exception of the contract verbiage). One, from a respected, well-paying market, consisted of a single word:

Sold!

Did I feel cheated because of the short communications? Hardly. I simply took it as an indicator of how the industry pros preferred their correspondence.

Just call me a new fan of selling short!

On Edits and Evergreens

I'm in the midst of a very tedious, bird-by-bird edit of an enormous project for one of my favorite clients. It's a legacy project -- one over 5 years in development that took over 2 years to write. I'm not only proofing for grammatical and punctuation errors, but I'm also looking for format, style, and layout issues. The completed project, including supplemental material is over 175,000 words -- the equivalent of 4 full non-fiction projects... I spent the entire day making sure every comma was in the right place.

The tone for the day was set when I received the news that the winners of the 3-Day Novel Contest have been announced. And they are not me. Or I am not they.

In any case -- I'm not on the list. Evidently, the writing I do while recuperating from the swine flu is not up to snuff. Most depressing.

And the edit continues.

It's a necessary thing, this edit. And I'm happy to do it. But it's slow going. It's an odd layout with thin margins, nearly no white space, and skinny, squished sans-serif font -- which means that in a very short time span, my right eye develops an irritating involuntary twitch and begins to beg for mercy. And at the end of the day, there isn't a creative cell in my body that's willing to stand up and insist that I pay attention to it.

Which means that when the edit is done, I'm going to have to spend a day or two recharging my vision and my muse.

Earlier today, I served as a guest contributor on Missy Frye's Incurable Disease of Writing blog. My piece explains how writers can use evergreens (finished, polished pieces) to keep the momentum of their careers going while still taking time to regroup after finishing a major project.

It appears that the timing is fortuitous. I'm looking forward to spending a day with my evergreens. I can't wait to take my own advice.

If I ever get this edit finished...

The Article Recipe

or, 5 Easy Pieces

I recently received the following e-mail from a flustered Workshop attendee:

"I am having a panic attack right now and thought you might appreciate my predicament, if you can recall back to your early days of writing. You would be so proud of me! I pitched an idea to the [local newspaper] after seeing a similar story in the Chicago Trib.

"The first two editors failed to even answer me (though one did much later). I didn't even know if the paper took freelancers... I decided, "What the heck?" and emailed a third editor, and she responded favorably!

"Long story short: I am working on a story that [has a hard deadline which is rapidly approaching]. I have been sending out emails like crazy, heard responses from a Harvard professor and a CEO, done a phone interview with a Grand Valley prof., interviewed two teachers at school, typed permission slips for parent permission to do students' interviews, and met with the paper's photographer. I feel like a real reporter!

"NOW, I can't get started. I have all the info., a writer's critique mtg. I want to use as a personal deadline and I am freaking out! So many local people know I am doing this, so I can't hide like I do with my cyberspace writing! Yikes! Maybe it's all the pop and hershey kisses I am eating that is giving me the shakes! Anyway, no more procrastinating!"

In my experience, writing a short, informative article that features several sources follows a simple, almost formulaic process.

I e-mailed the writer back, proposed curtailing the sugar intake, and offered a few suggestions for stopping the shakes and for starting the article.

Writing an article is a matter of combining 5 easy pieces. In case the process might be of use to other writers, here they are:

1.) First, conduct all necessary interviews. Record them and transcribe only the important bits of them. (I have a friend who faithfully transcribes every word of every interview, but I find that incredibly time consuming. Focusing on the highlights not only streamlines the process, but acts as a "first pass" of editing and arranging your material.

(An aside: I love MP3 recorders that are also USB drives. What a wonderful invention! A godsend for interviewers.)

2.) Write the lead. Imagine that you are writing a script for a TV news anchor to introduce the story and to keep the audience from turning the channel. Be clear. Be specific. Name names. Hook your readers' interest. Give them a reason to keep reading.

3.) Let 'Em Speak For Themselves. Let whoever you reference in your opening "hook" provide a quote that builds your second paragraph.

4.) Work the Room. Then, just let your people talk. Visit each source and let him or her have a say in the topic at hand. (If you need to bring in a new voice, like all good hostesses, remember to introduce the speaker to the reader.) All YOU need to do is provide the segues and explain things that might be fuzzy. You'll discover that some sources are more quotable than others. Be aware of the dangers inherent in playing favorites and make every effort to present a well-rounded story.

5.) Leave 'Em Wanting More. When you're done telling your story -- quit. There is no need to use every quote or to even quote every source.

And that, in a nutshell, is that.

My writer friend who started this dialogue finished her article (without any help from Yours Truly). It went into print and she's on track for another.

Of course there are myriad things a writer can do to stir things up, to avoid death-by-formula, and to write a better article. However, I maintain that when on deadline or when you don't know what to do or where to begin, following the Article Recipe is a simple 5-Step plan for success.